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Oulu is to be overrun by midgets, according to immigration authorities. Pygmies recently ejected from their home in the Unda district of western Brazil met a Finnish crane-driver who suggested that Oulu was a nice place to live, and that they might be good at air guitar. Instead of resuming their slash-and-burn farming in another part of the rainforest, the entire Bulabula tribe will arrive in Oulu airport this Tuesday April 1.
“We’ve thought of opening a Pizzeria called Pizza for Small Pizza. We heard they were popular with Finns. Pizza was actually invented in the rainforest and we’re thinking small pizzas will have a market with the latitudinally challenged and women with small appetites,” gushed the tribe’s witchdoctor. Some Oulu citizens expressed disbelief. “Isn’t that a movie with Danny DeVito and Rob Schneider?” wonders Patrick Expat, an Irish-American recently deported to Oulu from Paris. “How will they navigate the icey pavements? Does the lower centre of gravity help, or will they just topple over quicker? Maybe someone at the university should investigate first?”
The Bulabulas were ejected from their homes when a commercial logging concern owned by several well-known Oulu politicians bought up and chopped down all the trees in their area. Municipal Oulu is happy to receive their specialised skills. Said a councillor, “we’ve never had hunter-gatherers here before. They’re talking about becoming restaraunteurs, but we hope they’ll keep wearing their tribal gear for publicity. And maybe a few will take to the forests and cull moose. The moose population has been getting out of hand in recent years. In fifty years time they’ll all be engineers anyway. ” Behind the scenes some suspect that, in a bid to seem more international, the Oulu council may be using taxpayers' money to buy off key officials in minority areas, to smooth the way for local cultures to be transplanted here. “Immigration, yes, but they’re getting off on global warming,” raged a local biologist. “The more the world population grows, the more resources we use. The more resources we use, the more people have babies, the quicker the rainforest is destroyed causing global warming – and the more Oulu benefits, so long as they have people in the right places.” Oulu-opisto has announced they will offer intensive courses in tribal languages, and local ex-heavy musicians Sentenced are coming out of retirement to play the reception party outside city hall today at 13.00. “We’re the tribal raindancers of Oulu, you moron,” said vocalist Ville Laihiala, “- retired or not, it’s our duty to welcome the Bulabula.” 65 Degrees North readers are advised to arrive promptly and bring galoshes.
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